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Friday, April 09, 2004
Will you go out with me? You make me laugh every time I read your column.
Dear Fan:
I’ve seen your pictures. No.
One more on the guy who entrapped his supposedly monogamous lover by downloading
pics, posing as a trick and meeting him at a Starbucks. If I were your man
and you set me up like that, I’d kick you to the curb so fast you wouldn’t
even have time to get your coffee in a to-go cup. He messed up, yeah, but he
didn’t viciously perpetrate a sneak-attack from behind!
I have an ex who, despite my being faithful for five years, continually accused
me of infidelity, to the point where he would dream, literally dream, I was
cheating on him and believe it!
Goes to show you the insecurity people have. So don’t be thinking that
suspicion automatically means guilt.
Dear Canned:
You bring up a good point. Most of us treat the suspicion of infidelity as
fact when it could be our own insecurity. But listen, you were going out
with a nut. The rest of us have to contend with some realities about gay
life. Namely, that we live in a culture where monogamy means not having more
than one man in bed at the same time.
If you suspect that your boyfriend is playing “hide the hambone” with
someone else here’s what you need to do: Bring it up in a way that isn’t
accusatory. Now there’s a good way of doing it and a bad way.
The good way: “I’m feeling a little insecure about our commitment
to each other. I need some reassurance that the things I’m seeing aren’t
clues that you’ve changed your mind about our commitment to each other.” The
bad way: “I know you’re cheating on me, you lying bastard. Confess
or I’ll kill your cat.”
Can a huge penis up your ass cause any permanent injury?
Dear Wondering:
Tell me something. Are you this charming when you’re hitting on people?
A huge penis inserted into a small opening has the potential for causing lots
of damage — like torn tissue, exposure to HIV and worse, a funny walk.
The key word here is “graduate.” Not from high school (although
that is a good idea), but from small to large. Work your way up to larger penises.
If you don’t, you risk tearing the lining of your anus, making you more
vulnerable to HIV.
And even when you successfully “graduate” you still have to watch
out for keeping the elasticity of your sphincter, lest you spend eternity in
Pampers. If I were you I’d look at every large member and think of the
warning label on products containing Olestra: “May cause anal leakage.”
I was fingering a trick of mine — lots of butt play but I never penetrated
him with my penis. (All that work tending the soil, and I didn’t even
get to plow it!)
Anyway, I realized later I had a cut on my finger. The cut wasn’t bleeding
but it was tender and it stung when I went spelunking.
If this guy was positive what are the chances I exposed myself to HIV? Should
I be worrying a lot? A little?
Dear Fingering:
You’re more likely to get a skin infection than HIV. Remember, HIV is
transmitted through blood and body fluids like pre-cum, semen, and cosmopolitans.
You might get a lot of crap for getting HIV but you will not get HIV from crap.
One exception: If you were fingering a bloody ass.
Did that feel as gross reading it as it did typing it?
Anyway, the real risk isn’t HIV; it’s Hepatitis A. So don’t
do something stupid like tasting your finger after he asks, “Does my
ass smell funny to you?
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